My view of the Universe in
general and the World in particular…
…Hot coffee is hot. We shouldn’t need a court
ruling on this one. The same applies to hot tea, hot cocoa, hot cider and all
other beverages beginning with the adjective "hot". A prudent person
does not place hot liquids between ones thighs…an even more prudent person does
not try to drive a car with hot liquids between ones thighs. A person stupid
enough to do the above should not be allowed to sue anyone for their own
stupidity regardless of how much money the defendant has.
…People who admit to a crime should not have a
lengthy trial to determine their guilt (much less multiple lengthy trials). All
this does is tie up the courts, make lawyers even more wealthy, and waste the
taxpayers money. Case in point – The Menendez Brothers – the trial should have
gone something like this:
Judge: Did you shoot your parents?
Menendez Brothers: Yes.
Judge: I find you both guilty and the electric chair is down that
hall, first door on the left. Have a nice day!
…The U.S. government is legislating more stupid
people into existence. Example: The lawn mower. When I was younger, lawn mowers
had a notice on the mowing deck instructing people to avoid placing hands or
feet under the mower. Even as a young man, I recognized that this was, indeed,
sage advice. However, there were people who were stupid enough to place an
appendage under said mower deck and lop off said appendage. A person possessing
this level of stupidity would usually bleed to death, an event that prevented
procreation. …But, in the 1990’s the government determined that these people
should be protected from their own stupidity and required manufacturers to
build in automatic shut off devices which prevent the terminally stupid from
removing themselves from the gene pool. They can now procreate, bringing more
stupid people into the world and increasing the total level of stupidity of the
American population. Natural selection exists for a reason.
…If you have to tell people that you’re not stupid,
then you probably are.
…It is increasingly difficult to reconcile this
current nation of whiners with the pioneer spirit that helped settle this
country and make it the most powerful nation in the world. (Apologies to the
Native Americans)
…The FAA determined that it was not sufficient just
to tell us how to buckle our seat belts and how to use the oxygen (in the
unlikely event it's needed), but they also had to ensure that the elderly,
crippled (other enabled), or generally incompetent would not sit in the exit
row. United Airlines responded by placing an "exit row instruction
placard" in the seat backs facing the exit row. These placards boldly
began… "IF YOU CANNOT READ THIS, PLEASE NOTIFY THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT"
When I tried to bring the error to the attention of the flight attendant, she
politely asked me if I would like to be seated in a different row. (She never
did get it, but United replaced the cards after about 6 months)
…If you break the law against committing suicide,
how do they punish you?
...Niggardly (adjective), 1. Unwilling to part with
anything, Stingy. 2. Meager; insufficient.
I recently read a newspaper article about some poor guy that had the extreme
misfortune of receiving an education that allowed him to understand and use the
aforementioned word in a sentence. Unfortunately he used the word while talking
to two lesser-educated co-workers, one of whom was of African-American
heritage, and who promptly took extreme offense at what was perceived to be a
racial slur. The offended party would not listen to an explanation of the
actual meaning of the word (which co-incidentally predates the other
politically incorrect and socially unacceptable word by about two centuries).
The user of this word submitted his resignation because of the misunderstanding
(which indicated no spine on his part) and his boss accepted it (which showed
no brains on his part). I believe that correct action would have been to supply
the co-workers with a couple of Funk and Wagnall's or Webster's Unabridged
(dictionaries). Lighten up, people!
...and while we're on the subject of words and word
usage, two pet peeves:
1. Irregardless - this is a double negative that makes the actual meaning
"with regard", the correct word is simply "regardless"
2. Flustrated - You can be flustered (nervous), or you can be frustrated
(disappointed), but there is no such word as "flustrated"
...My observations regarding the male of the
species (myself included)
- Things in the
refrigerator that are behind other things in the refrigerator actually
exist in an alternate dimension which is only perceivable by the female of
the species. I would like to see the manufacturers of refrigerators design
a unit that is 8 feet wide x 8 feet high and 6 inches deep. This design
would eliminate the phrase "Honey, where is the (insert name of food
item here)", and the ensuing discussion of how men are jerks and
can’t find anything in the refrigerator.
- Men operate entirely at
the highest surface level of any given subject. Women are always looking
for some "deeper" meaning for the actions, thoughts, or
statements made by the male of the species. Give it up, there is no deeper
meaning to anything men say or do. It is what it is and that is pretty
much the way men handle any given situation.
- All men are pigs. This
is not a bad thing, again, just the way we are. If a woman meets a guy who
is kind, thoughtful, caring, and "deep", chances are pretty good
that he’s also gay.
- How I managed to stay
married 30 years and counting:
2 words, "Yes
Dear". Why enter an argument that you have no chance of winning? (Even if
you think you can win, trust me, in the long run, you won’t.)
Never admit that you
forgot what they told you. My wife has a tendency to inform me of important
dates months in advance of the actual event. Invariably, when the day arrives,
I have completely forgotten any and all details of the event that we are
supposed to attend.
In the early days of my
marriage, when this situation occurred, I was naive enough to admit to my
spouse that I didn’t remember that we had something scheduled for that date.
This is a BAD thing that led to all kinds of spirited discussions about how I
didn’t care or pay attention to the things that were important to her (see
point "B" above).
Fortunately, my survival
instincts kicked in and I developed a method for avoiding these unpleasant
discussions designed to remind me what an idiot I am. To wit:
I arrive home from work
and my wife says something like "We should leave here at about 6:30".
Of course I have NO IDEA of where we are going or what we are doing, but my
response now is: "OK honey, I’ll be ready". At this point it is
important to note how your spouse is attired so that you can dress
appropriately for whatever it is you are about to do. When the appointed hour
arrives, you get in the car and casually say to your spouse "So, what do
you think is the best way to get there? At which time she will respond with
something along the lines of "Well we’re just going over to the high
school" You now have the key information, you know WHERE you are going.
You still don’t know WHY you are going, but that becomes obvious once you
arrive.
Use this knowledge wisely
and it will serve you well.
…How to make the internet faster for everyone:
A. Immediately delete any e-mail you receive that contains the
phrase “send this message to (insert number here) friends and you will get a
surprise”.
B. When forwarding a message to someone (hopefully not one of
the above mentioned) DO NOT keep sending the original message as an attachment!
I have received a 65 Kilobyte e-mail containing a 4 Kilobyte message.
...Thomas. My ramblings in this collection of observations are generally of a humorous nature. That is not he case with this one. This is about Thomas. He was a classmate of my middle son and a car nut (not unlike myself many years ago) and was possessed of a bright inquisitive mind coupled with a heart of gold and a friendly demeanor. Thomas is gone now at the age of 20. A victim of an automobile accident. This is to help me cope with the loss, Thomas looked up to me as a role model, I don't know why, but he did. There are no lessons to be learned here, no tidy summation or pat answers. Simply an acknowledgement that a young man named Thomas came into my life and departed too soon.
More to come, stay tuned...
